Matt Chen and his spoon Clarence had been on a killing spree all around Ithaca. The Ithaca Police could only report his attacks as forcible spooning. Over the weekend, Clarence and Matt had a dispute over their name…Was it Clarence and Matt? Or Matt and Clarence. After a night of heavy drinking, Matt decided to go practice parkour near the gorges. Unfortunately, Clarence had other plans…so he stayed home. As Matt skipped from rock to rock, he had a revelation…they should work together as a team. Then Matt tripped on a rock and drowned in the river.

Special elegy for Clarence and Matthew:

All started with twenty.

As plain as can be, but so were all the rest.

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Sleek body of wood—

Still a man nonetheless.

Sneaky Clarence Thomas, what a tool.

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Senselessly His possessor poured his heart and soul into His creation.

Such waste—he should have known it would be all over soon.

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Anyone could guess it would have been short-lived.

A chance at riches, but fate was not by His side.

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Someone who is innocent;

Somebody with enough integrity to be fair.

Stab in the back—that’s all it took.

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Slowly, painfully, but that was the game.

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If he had been less confident,

It is obvious that he could have survived.

In the end, pride was his enemy.

It all started with twenty but would end with one.

 -

No one could have seen it speed like a rocket,

Not a sound was made; He couldn’t have seen it coming.

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Stood so strong at first on his single leather shoe.

Sadly now another trophy.

So soon, but in the end still a spoon.

Irene knew it was coming. All week she had this raging elbow itch, and one night she dreamt of scallion pancakes and serengetis, which all could mean only one thing: someone was following her. To avoid any unexpected rendezvous with her potential executioner, Irene booked the first flight out of Ithaca (she craved both scallion pancakes and serengetis, and couldn’t decide between China and Africa so she decided to go to Australia) yesterday.

When she arrived in Sydney, Irene decided she’d take advantage of her situation and do all the touristy things while on the island. She walked across the Sydney Harbour Bridge (5 times back and forth), went to a show at the Opera House, and jumped around with wallabies. Irene always had one desire when coming to Sydney though: to find Nemo. She jumped into the Sydney Harbour and began asking fish if they had seen the poor little clownfish. After a couple hours, she had talked to several salmon, prawns, and even one lochness monster, but none of the creatures had seen the lost fish.

Irene was about to give up, when she noticed a tiny orange tail flapping inside a sea enemy (anemeny, amamamy, enema?). She swiftly wagged her human fins and swam up to the anemone. 

Boy was she surprised. Instead of finding Nemo in a sea anemone, she was actually looking at a tongue of some pimply, carnivorous, blue breakfast-food creature. In one swift motion, the creature inhaled and swallowed innocent So Hae whole. So Hae died painfully within the depths of the creature’s stomach.

The mysterious individual swam away into the abyss… but wait… who is this other dark figure lurking in the dark?

Mary had a little lamb. It was fluffy, soft, and she wore it around her shoulders. Yeah she flaunted that shit and some people weren’t happy it. However, it was okay. Mary had a plan. She was going to skip wine today; that way no one would throw red wine onto her. So instead of going to Wines, Mary decided to go home early and do some work. When she got home, her roommate was with a couple friends and asked Mary to join them at CTB for a couple beers and sangria. Not having her alcohol fix for the day from Wines, Mary eagerly agreed and went along. Hey, the weather was nice, what could go wrong?

As she was enjoying her umpteenth glass of CTB’s sangria, Mary realized she was getting a little tipsy. After a couple of minutes, Mary slumped into her chair, snoring and drooling.  Her roommate and friends were extreme annoyed and left the poor girl in her chair. 

Mary woke up shivering and barely remembered where she was. People were pointing and laughing at her. Mary made a run for it towards the forest surrounding Upson Hall, not even knowing why she was running. She found a safe clearing in the middle of the woods, and sat down on what she thought was a soft pile of dead leaves.

Her bottom went first; one leg flew to the right and the other leg flew to the left. A piece of her torso landed in someone’s CTBLT, and her hair made a nice addition to the top of the clock tower. Luckily though, a kind fellow picked up her lamb-fur shawl, dusted it off, and dropped it in the nearest lost and found.

Tony was away on expedition in Madagascar in search of the hidden temple of Spoon-Tang. Tony was an wizard adventurer—feared nothing, ate anything, killed everything. It was a kill or be killed world for the fearless hero, but forward he pushed, for that was his warrior way.

One morning, Tony came across a large canyon. Rushing rapids roared below as the blazing sun showered from above. This was no easy crossing—in fact, no ordinary man could cross such an obstacle. Skeletons of lost explorers and fallen  dinosaurs lay strewn across the canyon walls—even an oddly familiar corpse wearing a #17 Knicks jersey while clutching a spoon…But our hero was no ordinary man. Using nothing but his brute strength and manliness, Tony tore a palm tree from the ground and carved from it a winged beast. Summoning his soul energy, Tony imparted some of his chakra into the wooden beast and gave it LIFE. Taming the beast with a fierce punch to the eye and a knee to its groin, the creature bowed to its master and was mounted. “Up!” shouted our mystical warrior and off into the sky they flew, crossing over the canyon. As he gained altitude, he noticed a cloaked figure looming behind in, riding what seemed to be a black phoenix. In a flash a battle of epic proportions erupted in the sky. Plasma balls flew left and right and up and down and lighting struck the earth shaking it to its very core. The very sky lit ablaze and the demon clouds rained down fire as the land roared in reply sending magma upwards towards the heavens. Flying and swooping and attacking and evading. By the end of the fight all the remained in the land and the skies was a thick black fog and complete and utter silence. The sound of the ocean had ceases and the animals of the land lay quiet. The warm light of the sun was absent and the air froze with a chill. As the fog began to settle, the cloaked figure rode off into the abyss, spoon clutched in hand, and poor Tony’s head in a satchel.

Mia was soaking up the sun happily while composing a beautiful oil painting of the scenery out on this beautiful day. Frisbees were being tossed, birds were singing (a tune that resembled a track from Snow White), and there was not a cloud in the sky. However, Mia did notice something in the sky that was unusual. A plane was flying very close to ground and looked like it was attempting a crash landing! Mia watched as the plane flew right into the Cayuga Lake. She ran over to the lake’s edge to see what happened, when she heard a cry for help. Like OMG, she recognized that voice immediately. The plane that crashed happened to be carrying the Jeremy Lin and the New York Knicks on their way to San Antonio for their game against the Spurs. The pilot must have been assassinated, because the Cayuga Lake is definitely not the AT&T Center. Instinctively, Mia dropped everything (except her spoon of course) and dove into the icy lake. The crash was further into the lake then Mia had estimated, but she was still doing fine, considering she almost failed her swim test. “HELP! PLEASE HELP!” Mia finally got to the wreckage and she climbed aboard the plane. Mia found Lin huddled in his seat, rocking back and forth; all the other players were dead. The moment he saw Mia, he jumped for joy into her arms. The force from the jump knocked Mia over and she fell from the vessel. Mia hit her head on the wing of the plane, knocking her out for a few seconds. Mia started to slowly sink into the depths of the Cayuga Lake. She became conscious long enough to notice someone carrying Lin out of the plane onto a motorboat, which’s propellors immediately turned on and—yeah, you know how the story ends. At least she got to meet the man of her dreams.

Perhaps everyone was resting for a massacre tomorrow?

We have removed the prize incentive from the game, thus allowing a reduction in the cost to play from $8 to $2 per person. Please find Richard to pay, thank you!

People who paid:

• Emily
• Tony
• Mary
• Kawin